we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
