I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
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He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!