I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.