Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Randomize
