I will die if light touches me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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