i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
