Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
