When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
