She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
