I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Randomize
