i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
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I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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