He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize