I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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