everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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