remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
