In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
