I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
