I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize