I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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