woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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