if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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