I got chris browned last night
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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