There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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