he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
