apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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