do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
