I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
