my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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