John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
