dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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