life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
