Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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