sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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