i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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