it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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