Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
