I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
