how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
