Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
