in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
