Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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