i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
