I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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