sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
