if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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