True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
