Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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