Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
