Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My ass is underappreciated
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
