Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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