Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
