a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
