it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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