Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
