I think I died a long time ago.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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