Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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