I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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