Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
