I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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