Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
