Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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