bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
