I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
