I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
